We’ve all been there. A colleague rolls their eyes in a meeting. Someone sends a passive-aggressive email. A team member avoids you after a disagreement. And suddenly, your heart races, your jaw tightens, and your brain starts scripting a comeback.
But why do these moments feel so charged? And why do we sometimes react in ways that surprise even ourselves?
Let’s unpack the chemistry behind conflict—and how we can respond with clarity and courage.
The Brain on Threat
When we perceive someone as “difficult,” our nervous system often interprets their behaviour as a threat. Not a tiger-in-the-jungle kind of threat, but a social one: rejection, humiliation, exclusion. These trigger the same stress pathways as physical danger.
Here’s what might be happening – which one is you?
Amygdala hijack: Our emotional brain takes over, flooding us with cortisol and adrenaline. Adding to our fatigue that we are probably already in.
Fight, flight, freeze—or fawn: We might snap and yell back, get aggressive; withdraw then ruminate – unhealthy for our mental health, go silent, or over-accommodate – give into their demands.
Tunnel vision: We lose access to our higher reasoning and empathy as their “difficult” nature has triggered a personal trauma within me that I don’t know how to deal with.
In short, we stop seeing the person—we see the problem.
What’s Beneath the Behaviour?
Here’s the twist: “difficult” behaviours often mask deeper needs. Such as
– The interrupter may fear being unheard.
– The avoidant colleague may dread confrontation.
– The micromanager may feel out of control.
When we pause to reflect, we shift from reaction to curiosity. We ask: What’s driving this behaviour? What’s being protected or defended?
This doesn’t excuse poor conduct—but it helps us respond with insight rather than impulse.
Courageous Conversations Start with Us
Reacting is easy. Responding takes practice.
Courageous conversations begin when we regulate our own nervous system and speak from a place of clarity. That means:
- Naming the impact: “When you speak over me, I feel dismissed.”
- Staying curious: “Can we talk about what’s going on?”
- Holding boundaries: “I want to work well together, and I need respectful dialogue.”
These aren’t scripts—they’re invitations. To repair, to reconnect, to reset the tone.
From Conflict to Connection
In Health, Education, and Justice where stress runs high and teams are stretched thin, relational friction is inevitable. But it’s also an opportunity—for growth, for empathy, for leadership.
When we understand our reactions, we reclaim choice. We move from defensiveness to dialogue. From tension to trust.
So next time you feel the heat rising, take a breath. Sip your coffee. And remember: the most courageous conversations often begin with a quiet pause.
My Final Thoughts
Let’s personally own and be aware of what we think is difficult in relationships with others and have a plan on how to handle our reactions when they happen to help us be better colleagues.
